You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Terrible idea I love it
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
