I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
