I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
