Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
