I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
