Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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