Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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