why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
