Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
