Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
