if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
