even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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