You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
