Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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