I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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