Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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