I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
