before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
