Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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