Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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