Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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