The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
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Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
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Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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