Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
