Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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