If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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