Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
