its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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