Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
