If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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