I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
