i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas†quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
