mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
