is your mom at the bar?
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
