I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
