Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
