Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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