The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
