please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
