he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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