Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
