i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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