you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
