Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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