A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Why can't burritos get me drunk
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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