My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
