Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
