new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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