I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
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i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
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the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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