Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
