i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
