it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
