The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
