I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
