hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
