dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
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Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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