btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Shitshow foam night was such a success
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
