Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
smell my finger.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
