I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
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On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
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I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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