Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
